More History

My life has been crazy busy the last four months. During that crazy busy time this shift occurred, and processing all of that while trying to keep my head and my family's heads above water has been a monumental task for me. However, I'm not one to back down from a challenge. I realized that I might need to reprocess some things once my head was clearer of external stresses and told myself not to get frustrated (with myself) if I find my head swimming and going through questions and concerns all over again. It turns out I've only done that a bit, but maybe I should back up and explain what that shift was like in the first place.

George finished reading Sex at Dawn before I did and asked me to please, though my life is busy, please finish it quickly because he really wanted to be able to talk to me about it. Being the awesome wife that I am, I finished it within a few days of his request. I asked him what he felt about the book. He said it was like this huge weight had been lifted from him, this guilt that he had carried for years on end could leave. There's a biological and evolutionary reason that he naturally thinks of other women when he walks by them. He doesn't spend hours after fantasizing about them (at least not that I know, or at least not typically), but it's something he's never been able to help – those initial thoughts of seeing and touching other women. Honestly, he seemed like he was letting out this huge sigh of relief that he'd been holding onto forever. It made me sad for him, that he carried that guilt so heavy and so long.

I'm going to go off on a tangent here for a second on something really important to me and my marriage. Two huge shifts have occurred in our marriage – leaving our religion and leaving our monogamy-only beliefs – and both have been initiated by George being willing to talk to me openly and from a vulnerable standpoint. It makes me love him intensely that he's so good to me that way. Communication is not only essential to maintaining a good marriage, it's essential to growth together as well. It eases my fears when I'm hesitant to mention how I feel about anything but need to let him know. God, I love that man.

We talked more about some interesting points in the book relating to both males and females, and we had some fascinating points to explore in an analytical/scientific sort of way. Then I asked him what it means to him literally, how it translates into what he wants in life. He said he didn't know, that he was just processing it all and didn't know what it meant yet. I didn't either, but I felt it was less necessary for me to figure that out right away than it was for him.

A few days later he figured it out. He asked, very gently, if I would extend him the same courtesy he had once mentioned in passing to me (when I was headed out dancing with girlfriends): if I found someone I wanted to go home with, go for it, since he knew I would come back to him no matter what. The request blew me sideways for a good 10 seconds. Then, because I recover quickly and it sounded entirely logical, I said okay.

Over the next couple of weeks, we continued to have conversations on the subject. I felt a strong need to figure out who I am sexually, if that makes sense. I've always really, really enjoyed sex with my husband and didn't know how to even think about other men, or if I wanted to. (I'm still processing this, still not sure what I want, FYI.) I wanted, though, to feel like Marilyn Monroe when I want to. To just feel beautiful and pleasurable outside and in whenever I want that. I know Marilyn had issues, so I'm not referring to a permanent state, just the idea of feeling sexy to myself and to others.

As far as George goes, I wanted and want things. I want to feel like he likes me the most and longest and always wants to come back to me. I want him to feel like he can explore who he is and what sex feels like with someone else and tell me about it, because it interests me scientifically and sexually. And I want him to not obsess over any encounter he has until it becomes better in his mind than maybe it was, because I fear that possibility could ruin our marriage. That last point led me to conclude that having a one-time-in-your-life experience is more dangerous than having multiple times. If you have one experience with sex outside marriage, that's monumental. If you have several experiences, it's less monumental. Well, so my logic goes, anyhow. In any case, he was maybe a little surprised with my decision but understood. Ha!

Then the pressure sort of went away to hurry out and have sex. George was really busy with work (no, really), but he told me that knowing he was free to participate when he wants took a lot of immediacy away. That's when it started to feel normal to us both, I think. If he was on a business trip, I'd sort of be rooting for him for something to happen, but he was busy working with distant colleagues and couldn't really be thinking about it anyhow.

So here we are now. We are still both monogamous, and yet we don't feel tied to monogamy anymore. I would even say I/we don't feel monogamous because it seems like a way of life that includes guilt for extra-marital thoughts, and that's gone. I don't expect George will be sexually exclusive for too much longer, but I don't know. And the jury's out on me. I haven't decided yet. I have a lot of self-evaluation left.

That's what I love about blogging, especially with a bit more time on my hands these days (hooray!!): I can think through things so much better by writing them down. I want to post about the whole subject of jealousy – so important, and so related to fear – and everything I'm wondering about myself. And who knows what else. But, like I said, this won't be a fast novel. It's my real life, and real life is usually pretty normal. Well, depending on your definition.