Monday, June 18, 2012
Book Club Anxiety
I'm currently re-reading Sex at Dawn, since it's been 4 months and I'm hosting a book club discussion on it Friday night. Girls only.
Some of these girls I know very well, some slightly; all I trust to some extent because of how the group is maintained. I just don't know that I'm comfortable talking about my life at all with a group of people. I'd like to keep the discussion centered on the book and hypothetical situations. But I won't be the only one there, of course, and I'm not sure how it will work out.
I am, honestly, squirming just thinking about it. Hopefully re-reading will help straighten out my thoughts.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Strange News
I sprained my elbow last night during sex. Too much wrestling? It hurts like a mother, but I'm just happy it's not broken, which is what I feared this morning. That would really get in the way.
Who injures themselves having sex? Sheesh.
Also, George's fling has mellowed for now. I'm thinking it's my turn. I want to experience so much in life, like another interesting relationship, but I'm not interested in a one night stand or anything really deeply meaningful like my marriage. I don't want anything that takes away from my time or relationship with George, but I want to find someone interesting who can converse about subjects he and I have in common. Also who is attractive and is looking for all I want and no more. Someone to chat to once a week or once a month.
Ugh. Where do I look? Everything I see is for swinging and one night stands or long term relationships for singles. I feel like I'm trying to retrain my brain to move in the direction I want, but I don't even know where to find the trailhead to start hiking.
Such serious problems. Ha! If I was less happy in my marriage, would it drive me to seek someone out with a little more energy?
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Randomness
I'm a terrible blogger. I'm inconsistent and, when I do blog, I just ramble on about whatever I feel like.
That wasn't an apology. :)
First Kiss
HardofThinking, my faithful reader (thanks!), commented on the last post that previous relationships are off limits for them. While I can see obvious reasons for that rule, here is my reasoning for not having it.
Previous relationships are not an issue for either of us because neither of us were in long, intense relationships before marriage. My personal longest relationship was maybe 8 months, and it's not something I'm interested in revisiting for numerous reasons, one of which was that it was kind of an emotionally unpleasant experience at the end. I'm not a drama kind of girl, and George is not a drama kind of guy, so previous drama-filled relationships would be off the board. His first kiss was with someone who seems to me to also be very low drama, as well as really admirable in many other ways. That's why it worked. There were no long-lasting, deeply-hidden "wish I'd fallen in love and had a life with her" type of feelings. She's just a great girl and also hot, as George puts it.
Friendships
I have this really wonderful friend. I'll call her Cassandra (because, when I was a dreamy little 10-year old, I thought Cassandra was the loveliest name on earth). One of the reasons I love Cassie is because I can tell her anything and she gets me, and I get her. She's the only person I've talked to about George and me, and she just finds it fascinating and finds me (insert most amazing compliment ever). You see why we're friends?
I've found being able to occasionally talk out loud about how I'm processing this is really beneficial, and the response/suggestions/input/encouragement from Cassie is deeply meaningful to me. While moving past monogamy is exciting and crazy, it can be a lot to navigate through and it's important to give yourself time to think through and unpleasantly react to possibilities as well as reality. My conversation with Cassie this last Sunday as we hiked up a canyon was great for this reason. All these things I'd thought inside and figured out internally sounded at least as real and legitimate and comfortably part of me spoken aloud as they did in my head. And my very smart, very feeling friend thought they did, too. I want to share some of that conversation, so here it is (totally paraphrased).
(Shit. Have I given myself a name yet? I don't think so. Let's call me Jezebel. Ha! No, that sounds a bit religious. Rita.)
C: So how are things with you and George?
R: Good. He had his first kiss!
C: I'm so proud of him! I just want to pat him on his back. I'm so glad after all that talking about it, he just went for it. Do you worry about infatuation? It's human nature, even with friendships, to be infatuated with whatever is new. What if that happened?
R: I don't think it will. I asked him specifically before that meeting what he felt, just needing to know, not resisting, ready for whatever he said. Was he infatuated? A little? Starting to fall in love? I just needed to know and understand his side of it. He just said she's a good friend and she's hot. Men are so simple, and I always feel like I learn from that.
C: Do you feel self-conscious? Does it make you worried?
R: Not worried about us. Maybe unsettled while the situation is unsettled. I worry a little for George; I know he doesn't obsess over it, but I know he feels more unsettled than I do. I just don't want him to be too disappointed or hurt, though he really can handle it just fine. And not self-conscious. I always thought confidence meant you feel like you're great at this or that, but now I feel very confident that this or that aspect is a part of me intrinsically, and I feel really grounded knowing that.
C: Wow. I think you're the most confident person I know.
R: I think that's why it works for us. We're both very comfortable with ourselves and very open in our conversations.
C: So, what if he'd said he was infatuated with her?
R: She is a really great person and I was ready for him to say that maybe he was a little infatuated. It would be okay...I'm not worried. I know who and what I am to him.
C: Well, what exactly is it that he could say that would be too much? What if he said he was falling in love with her? What would be the worst? What would really leave you devastated and feel like you were at the breaking point?
R: Hmm. (pause) I can't think of anything. If he said, for example, he was feeling infatuated, I think I would notice before he'd said anything anyhow, but I wouldn't be upset. I don't think that's permanent. The kind of relationship we have together is full of infatuation and love, but it is deeply nourished over a long time. And we both love it and want it to continue.
C: Do you think about yourself in this? Do you think you'll do anything?
R: There's this funny thing about me. I feel comfortable with George and know that our relationship is solid no matter what happens, but I still haven't figured out if it would mess me up if I did something. I don't know why I can't trust myself. Plus, I don't even really know how to flirt. And I'm really picky. I basically like George and maybe Daniel Craig. So I don't know if anything will happen for me. Maybe not ever.
C: No, I can't see that. It will happen for both of you.
Book Club
I'm hosting book club this month, and I was going to let Sex at Dawn slip by (because I'm not sure I know how to have a conversation on it with 20-30 friends in a way that works for everyone), but somebody brought it up again. I do think it's a really important book to read. It's life changing for me, so I suggested to my friends that they read it simultaneously with their spouses if possible, and give themselves some time to think about it before we meet. Also, that it may not be a big deal for some people; it just was for me. These friends are also former mormons; most of them monogamous their entire lives. I don't care what they choose in life, but I think thinking about the possibility that monogamy is not necessarily the most natural path in life is really beneficial in so many ways, even if you choose that path.
Cassandra asked me what I would do if someone asked, "What effect has this had on you and George?" My answer was that he and I had taken a lot of time to discuss the book and the theories behind it to understand what marriage means to us.
She said that, inevitably, someone will be blunt and just say, "Do you have an open marriage?" What would I answer? I fumbled. Ugh. I don't know. My kind, wise friend quickly responded, "Don't hesitate. Just lie. Say 'no.' They don't need to know. They don't have two hours for you to explain everything about who you are and who George is and how strong and open communication-wise your relationship is. They don't know. You just need to lie."
Yep. I do. I agree. I am deeply protective of what other people think of George. I love him intensely and don't want anyone to think anything ill of him. In future social settings, rare as they are, with my book club friends + significant others, I don't want them to think they know what he's thinking about them. I just want them to think that he loves me. Because he does.
Tim Minchin
Last but not least...just click here.
That wasn't an apology. :)
First Kiss
HardofThinking, my faithful reader (thanks!), commented on the last post that previous relationships are off limits for them. While I can see obvious reasons for that rule, here is my reasoning for not having it.
Previous relationships are not an issue for either of us because neither of us were in long, intense relationships before marriage. My personal longest relationship was maybe 8 months, and it's not something I'm interested in revisiting for numerous reasons, one of which was that it was kind of an emotionally unpleasant experience at the end. I'm not a drama kind of girl, and George is not a drama kind of guy, so previous drama-filled relationships would be off the board. His first kiss was with someone who seems to me to also be very low drama, as well as really admirable in many other ways. That's why it worked. There were no long-lasting, deeply-hidden "wish I'd fallen in love and had a life with her" type of feelings. She's just a great girl and also hot, as George puts it.
Friendships
I have this really wonderful friend. I'll call her Cassandra (because, when I was a dreamy little 10-year old, I thought Cassandra was the loveliest name on earth). One of the reasons I love Cassie is because I can tell her anything and she gets me, and I get her. She's the only person I've talked to about George and me, and she just finds it fascinating and finds me (insert most amazing compliment ever). You see why we're friends?
I've found being able to occasionally talk out loud about how I'm processing this is really beneficial, and the response/suggestions/input/encouragement from Cassie is deeply meaningful to me. While moving past monogamy is exciting and crazy, it can be a lot to navigate through and it's important to give yourself time to think through and unpleasantly react to possibilities as well as reality. My conversation with Cassie this last Sunday as we hiked up a canyon was great for this reason. All these things I'd thought inside and figured out internally sounded at least as real and legitimate and comfortably part of me spoken aloud as they did in my head. And my very smart, very feeling friend thought they did, too. I want to share some of that conversation, so here it is (totally paraphrased).
(Shit. Have I given myself a name yet? I don't think so. Let's call me Jezebel. Ha! No, that sounds a bit religious. Rita.)
C: So how are things with you and George?
R: Good. He had his first kiss!
C: I'm so proud of him! I just want to pat him on his back. I'm so glad after all that talking about it, he just went for it. Do you worry about infatuation? It's human nature, even with friendships, to be infatuated with whatever is new. What if that happened?
R: I don't think it will. I asked him specifically before that meeting what he felt, just needing to know, not resisting, ready for whatever he said. Was he infatuated? A little? Starting to fall in love? I just needed to know and understand his side of it. He just said she's a good friend and she's hot. Men are so simple, and I always feel like I learn from that.
C: Do you feel self-conscious? Does it make you worried?
R: Not worried about us. Maybe unsettled while the situation is unsettled. I worry a little for George; I know he doesn't obsess over it, but I know he feels more unsettled than I do. I just don't want him to be too disappointed or hurt, though he really can handle it just fine. And not self-conscious. I always thought confidence meant you feel like you're great at this or that, but now I feel very confident that this or that aspect is a part of me intrinsically, and I feel really grounded knowing that.
C: Wow. I think you're the most confident person I know.
R: I think that's why it works for us. We're both very comfortable with ourselves and very open in our conversations.
C: So, what if he'd said he was infatuated with her?
R: She is a really great person and I was ready for him to say that maybe he was a little infatuated. It would be okay...I'm not worried. I know who and what I am to him.
C: Well, what exactly is it that he could say that would be too much? What if he said he was falling in love with her? What would be the worst? What would really leave you devastated and feel like you were at the breaking point?
R: Hmm. (pause) I can't think of anything. If he said, for example, he was feeling infatuated, I think I would notice before he'd said anything anyhow, but I wouldn't be upset. I don't think that's permanent. The kind of relationship we have together is full of infatuation and love, but it is deeply nourished over a long time. And we both love it and want it to continue.
C: Do you think about yourself in this? Do you think you'll do anything?
R: There's this funny thing about me. I feel comfortable with George and know that our relationship is solid no matter what happens, but I still haven't figured out if it would mess me up if I did something. I don't know why I can't trust myself. Plus, I don't even really know how to flirt. And I'm really picky. I basically like George and maybe Daniel Craig. So I don't know if anything will happen for me. Maybe not ever.
C: No, I can't see that. It will happen for both of you.
Book Club
I'm hosting book club this month, and I was going to let Sex at Dawn slip by (because I'm not sure I know how to have a conversation on it with 20-30 friends in a way that works for everyone), but somebody brought it up again. I do think it's a really important book to read. It's life changing for me, so I suggested to my friends that they read it simultaneously with their spouses if possible, and give themselves some time to think about it before we meet. Also, that it may not be a big deal for some people; it just was for me. These friends are also former mormons; most of them monogamous their entire lives. I don't care what they choose in life, but I think thinking about the possibility that monogamy is not necessarily the most natural path in life is really beneficial in so many ways, even if you choose that path.
Cassandra asked me what I would do if someone asked, "What effect has this had on you and George?" My answer was that he and I had taken a lot of time to discuss the book and the theories behind it to understand what marriage means to us.
She said that, inevitably, someone will be blunt and just say, "Do you have an open marriage?" What would I answer? I fumbled. Ugh. I don't know. My kind, wise friend quickly responded, "Don't hesitate. Just lie. Say 'no.' They don't need to know. They don't have two hours for you to explain everything about who you are and who George is and how strong and open communication-wise your relationship is. They don't know. You just need to lie."
Yep. I do. I agree. I am deeply protective of what other people think of George. I love him intensely and don't want anyone to think anything ill of him. In future social settings, rare as they are, with my book club friends + significant others, I don't want them to think they know what he's thinking about them. I just want them to think that he loves me. Because he does.
Tim Minchin
Last but not least...just click here.
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