Starting a new blog feels like a toddler learning to walk...I have all this history that clarifies internally what I'm doing, but I still feel like I'm taking steps in an unfamiliar, darkened room.
Let me give as brief a history as I'm comfortable with: I'm 38. So is my husband. (Let's name him, shall we? We'll call him George.) We were both raised in a very conservative Christian religion (Mormon...and I don't care to argue about if it's Christian or not, because I just don't care) in different parts of the US. We married in our young 20's and have had a very successful, happy marriage with some kids.
In our mid-30's, we made an amazing discovery. Mormonism is provably false. (Not here to argue that, either.) It totally rocked our world, quite unpleasantly at first. Our lives shifted in ways we never thought possible, and we grew from that shift. We started drawing our own conclusions about social norms and morality. We were – to my great surprise – happier than we'd ever been. Closer than we'd ever been, and our marriage had always been good.
A couple of years later, we read Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Calcida Jethá. What followed was another shock as we internalized and analyzed and considered more information we hadn't really approached before, and we felt another huge paradigm shift take place. Namely, that of monogamy.
I'll attempt a quick summation of our previous beliefs on morality and our current worldview:
Previous – Marry as virgins.
Current – Why would you marry as a virgin? Wouldn't it be better to understand your own sexuality before deciding who you're comfortable sharing it with for the rest of your life? Other than a belief in a judgmental god or an inability to practice safe sex, I don't see any good reasoning here.
Previous – Never have any sexual thoughts about anyone but your spouse. Sinner.
Current – Biologically impossible for most of us. Makes sense, considering our anthropological background.
Previous – Be good, go to heaven, have sex with your spouse forever.
Current – Don't believe in heaven, and I'm not really interested in living forever. It's a long, dang time. I'm more concerned about living fully right now, with my feet on provable earth, breathing provable air. I'm going to enjoy being in love with my spouse as long as we are here, since my life is fulfilling and beautiful and amazing.
Previous – Being good includes being monogamous.
Current – Humans are not really monogamous creatures. Of sexually active humans (let's set the bar low...twice a year?), what percent only have sex with one partner their entire lives? (I'm going to have to research that...I can only find information on monogamy while married.) The fact that I have to research the issue means we all know the percentage is not 100, or even close to it. It's not because we're inherently evil or untrustworthy; in fact, you can trust that we will at least consider snuggling, fondling, kissing, and/or having sex with other humans no matter how monogamous we are. Read Sex at Dawn, for goodness sake. If you disagree with a full half of the anthropological conclusions in that book, it will still enlighten you. We are not wired to be monogamous, though we find great happiness and fulfillment in strong relationships. Those relationships, however, can break down when we have incorrect assumptions about sexuality. So let's define good as having a sincere, affecting interest in the welfare of humanity and having a giving, honest relationship with your loved one, whatever that relationship may be.
So much more to cover, but I can't type all day. There you have the start.
